


Will The Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up

by Bluez2776



Series: Komei [4]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, What Have I Done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-01
Updated: 2015-07-01
Packaged: 2018-04-07 02:45:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4246479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluez2776/pseuds/Bluez2776
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The agents of project freelancer were few and far between. You had to be of extraordinary skill to ever become an agent... or at least that's what they told Wash. See Wash had been pestering everyone about their names for a while now. Your name in PFL was either a secret or everyone knew it. Wash at the time didn't know it was against protocol to have people tell theirs or tell your own, but he was about to learn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Will The Real Slim Shady Please Stand Up

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Komei](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Komei/gifts).



> The Director is a giant loon. Also I should be sorry about this but I'm just really not.
> 
> (This is a joke for a friend) (Not a real thing) (But please do enjoy anyways)

The agents of project freelancer were few and far between. You had to be of extraordinary skill to ever become an agent... or at least that's what they told Wash. See Wash had been pestering everyone about their names for a while now. Your name in PFL was either a secret or everyone knew it. Wash at the time didn't know it was against protocol to have people tell theirs or tell your own, but he was about to learn.

It all started when Wash got up that morning for breakfast. He took to his normal routine, like combing his hair and brushing and flossing his teeth. Took to trying to wake Maine up like usual before he left. Maine was a heavy sleeper and would wake himself up after the lights were turned back off. So then Wash was back on his way to the mess hall.

 

Wash had taken his usual morning seat. The table he sat at normally included C.T. and Maine and sometimes South if she was actually awake for once. The table was empty at the time being, Connie seemed to be talking to York at the moment. York, Wash and North usually sat together at dinner, but Connie usual never talked to York. Wash had a weird feeling about today already but if anything that set it in stone. 

When Connie finally did come over it had been like she hadn't missed 10mins of breakfast before she even sat down to eat. Late night training sessions could really do that to a person if the mess hall closed before you got out for the night. Even so Wash enjoys her company. Wash decides this is the perfect time to address the name topic again. It was really starting to bother him. The team was like family in his eyes and he would have really liked to know. No one had bitten. It was normal for a few people to be shy of their first names but a whole crew? that wasn't acceptable! Or at least Wash thought so. 

~

Connie sighed because of Wash's insistence on the topic. She figured it was probably time to end this. So she told him her name. Connie wasn't proud of it, it was a family name passed down and either gender had to take the name. It's why she went by Connie which at least sounded like her state name. Connie's name was Wilbur, it wasn't even something she was proud of, but it was something she had to live with.

~

Wash's face is pale, he knows his face is pale. It was only a coincidence that his name was also Wilbur right? Wash hears York get up from his chair and North and South are soon to follow. York asks her what she said and she repeats it with malice. York looks dumbfounded as he says that his name as well. Soon North chimes in and says the same thing, that both he and south had the same name due to a mistake in the system on their home planet. Wash calls them out on it, telling them to stop making fun of him. York pulls out his wallet and shows his ID. Sure enough it says Wilbur right there. North's says the exact same thing. South just puffs the hair out of her eyes and moves back over to her original table. When Carolina comes in she looks like she just woke up and says yes before she even realizes what she even answered. It's the same thing when Florida and Wyoming come in. Florida was a little quick to change the subject before Wyoming answered for him. From the looks Florida was giving Wyoming he was going to regret his decision. The last person to ask was Maine who had just walked in before they had told Wyoming why they asked him.

Wash was quick to bound over to him. Wash gave him the coffee he usually makes him in the mornings. Wash saves coffee for Maine and Maine saves him an extra ice-cream for dinner. No one would dare tell Maine no, so he can get away with it easily. Wash asks him quickly hoping to get it out of him while he was still sleepy like Carolina. Wash was given and answer that was either 'yes' or 'I got stuck in the plane's seat belt again come help me'. As they are both easily muffled in the morning.

 

Wash really doesn't get what this means. Everyone in the squad is named Wilbur and it's not seeming to be a coincidence anymore. So Wash decides he's going to ask The Director after the riveting revelation at lunch. So that's exactly what he does, he parks himself in front of The Directors office and waits for his name to be called. When it is called he gets up and enters the office. The room is quite scary, The Counselor is slowly typing away at a report with his glasses on and his fingers clacking away. Wash approaches the massive wooden desk at a slow pace and stops when The Counselor clears his throat in an obvious effort to stop his movements. So Wash asks him. No shame in asking The Director doesn't play nice when people dally around. The Director looks up and all his says is

"I'm into it, it has a nice ring to it. Go have fun with Wilbur, Wilbur"

The Director goes back to reading documents. 

Wash sputters.

**Author's Note:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Don't ask me why they carry their wallets around idk
> 
> Also please forgive grammar mistakes, still learning to catch those!


End file.
